turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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