I can tuck mytits in my pants
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
