Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
