I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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