your parents love me but you hate me
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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