My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
