I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
