I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
