My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
