"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
