so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
