Apparently you make a good broom.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
