I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
