We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
