I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
