i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
