I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Is it because I queefed?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize