It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
