Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
