Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
