every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
