My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
