Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
