my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
