the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
