I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
