Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
