God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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