she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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