since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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