R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
