btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
So here I am, sexting at work.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
