I bet he comes in French.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
