is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
