Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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