She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
