Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
