im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
