After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
