only you would photoshop your dick
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
