First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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