I must be too annoying 4 u.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
