Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
