Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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