Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize