I want to have your abortion
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
