He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize