What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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