last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
