She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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