Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
