I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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