Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
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