Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
