So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize