He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
